Girls, Achievements and Guys
Guys tie self-esteem to achievements. That’s just how male psyche works. If they have no other achievement besides academics, then it is very hard to not feel inferior to a wife candidate who does better.
Therefore men should excel in more ways than one. This is why people with greater Islamic understanding tend to not be so choosy about their wives. It’s because they have the achievement of Islamic knowledge as some to be proud of.
Of course, we then come to another problem. These guys are rare and these guys tend to get hitched very early on. THey want to look after their hearts.
I sympathize for you sisters who have to go through this.
I knew a high-achieving sister once. You can see in the faces and actions of the guys around her that they like this girl. In fact, to the point of revering her. Until such a point comes where they say to themselves, she’s untouchable, because she’s “baik sangat”, too perfect. They start thinking, “I am flawed, I don’t belong with this girl. She deserves better.”
It’s partially to do with academics, but it’s also related to how she carries herself. It’s in her demeanor. Everything about her contributes to the perfect image of this girl.
She got married in the end, but to a friend of mine who didn’t know her as such. Ouh, he knew that she’s an achiever, but since they never really met before marriage, he didn’t have this same image of her as the other guys do.
In the end, it’s all about a self-esteem problem.
Heck, if God didn’t help me, I probably wouldn’t have gotten married to my wife. She excelled in academics, scoring better than me in a course which she DOESN’T really like and which I DO!
So she’s smart, beautiful and kind. If I didn’t have anything else but my academic performance, then I would not have gotten enough courage to ask. But ALLAH gave me involvement in dakwah and that has given more courage I would have if ever I was alone.
So for those sisters frustrated with brothers who think you’re too perfect for him. Pray and have faith.
For the brothers, choose based on deen. And have courage to propose* to her.
* through the proper channels of course. Many ways to do this.
Updated 2012-02-17 11:30 am:
Here’re another few comments. I got tasked a few times to find hubbies for some superladies. Here are some of the problems I found:
1. For ladies it is preferable to most that they find and older spouse or of the same age. The problem? For each batch of sisters, there are less brothers in comparison. So as brothers and sisters age, almost all the brothers have gotten married, while there are sisters still who wait. The market is just… smaller (very noticeably).
2. Brothers are afraid of in candidate wives who are doctors. They fear the family might not benefit enough from the marriage if the wife is always busy. I will always cut this point down if I hear it, as I am living proof that such a marriage can bring good enough muslim children. (Thanks to Supermom! -> Murniati)
3. For sisters who are always active in dakwah, some brothers tend to be afraid of them, especially those who hold leadership positions amongst our various committees. Why? They fear losing “wibawa” suami. This is sad… Really.
4. There are also brothers who don’t marry our sisters. Most give the reason: I want to make my wife a sister. This is good in one way, but “kesianla” sisters who want to have a brother as their spouse.
Of course, each and every case is different. Of those that I mentioned above, there might actually be very good reasons for their actions. In one case the action might be the same, but the justifications have very different weightages. What works for one person might nor work for another.
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